October mental awareness month has passed but it is important to keep the conversations going about mental awareness. When I hit on depression I was more surprised than anyone to have found myself in this place. I mean, I help people get out of it – so how did I fall into it myself? What were the pitfalls and how did I not hit the brakes before it became worse?
Two mental health advocates took their lives this year, Gregory Eells and Jarrid Wilson. The stories on the internet questioned how could this happen? Why did they not get the help they provided for others? I understand why. When you help others you don’t necessarily want to ask for help yourself, especially when you are that established. It proves nobody is immune to depression. Just like veterans – they put their lives out to help everyone but find it difficult to help themselves when they return home from war.
I had the tools to get out of my depression but my problem was extreme loneliness that took over when my marriage ended – I just didn’t connect it. I moved out of my marital home to a small one bed apt which had paper thin walls and crappy air conditioning but I loved my little space as it was all mine to do as I wanted. I thought wow freedom! I can now start having fun again! But things don’t always turn out as you expect.
I ended up spending most of my time on my own… When I went out on a Thursday night (ladies night) to a local bar where two close friends worked, I was so excited to get out and be around people I knew. But, I literally wouldn’t give anyone I met a second to breathe or even talk!! I thought I was “having a great time”. I was drinking too much and was always the last one to leave the bar at 2am… My poor pals working behind the bar just wanted me out! They wanted to get home! I was “annoying everyone” but really I just wanted a friend who would understand what I was going through and wouldn’t criticize me.
I dreaded going back to that little apartment after my night out, to see four walls and nobody until the following week. I didn’t have a friend who could recognize what I was going through cause none of my close friends lived near by to see me regularly and know what I was going through. They were dealing with their own problems, so I didn’t want to bother them... I had a conversation one night with a good friend and we got to talking about life etc.. I told him I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to be living in the next dimension and feeling peace. I don’t know if he was shocked I didn’t really look at him. I have always been known to be someone positive but I was feeling pretty low that night. He started telling me with gusto: “Life is for living”! I still don’t know if he really knew what mental pain I was going through by telling him this. We were in a bar with friends and I thought he would just assume it is the alcohol talking…
Thankfully my Mother came over to visit me for a few days while traveling this end of the world. I was a physical mess. Zero energy and feeling the signs that I was about to go through physical burn out again. So the timing of my Mum visiting turned out to be crucial. I was putting up a brave face but broke down and cried for the four days she visited. I was scared. Me who had never ever thought this could happen to me. My poor Mum was very concerned. I also worried about my career. How could I teach positivity to others when I couldn’t feel it myself at that period?
So what was the turning point? I guess seeing my Mum’s expression. I just couldn’t let her worry any more about me. I was more concerned about her worry of me than about myself and so I had to take responsibility for that. She had lost her own brother to suicide nine months prior. Another crucial step was working at the Mesa Music Festival a couple of months later. Friends asked me to set up a mind body soul “sophrology tent” and I found myself working in music mecca!!
That weekend was the best. Folks came by to listen to great music, and peruse the various stands selling jewelry, clothing, get a tattoo or learn about a mindful method called sophrology! I was in my element! I had many visitors including artists who were performing at the festival who returned later describing how amazing their stage experience was as they applied conscious awareness (ie sophrology) to their performance!
It was the kick start that I was back in my element, but more importantly it helped me kick my own depression. I’ve always said music is a healer so to have been able to help music artists,, music fans and heal myself at the same time was a fortuitous blessing.